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Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Battered Men's Stories

Men's Personal Stories

(continued)

Copyright © 1998-2001 by Bert H. Hoff in trust for the anonymous contributors

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for battered men.


I finally did something about the abuse. The other night I went to the police department to report my wife.

Hey Bert,

I finally did something about the abuse. The other night I went to the police department to report my wife. She twisted the skin on my arm, scratched my arm, bit my hand and clocked me in the head. It all started when I was feeding our son a bottle of milk and he started to cry a little bit. She told me that my son didn't like me, and called me an imbecile. So, I told her that I didn't like that and to shut up. She came over and started kicking my shins. She just wouldn't stop it. So, I left and went to the police department. They came and arrested her. That night they took her to the hospital to be seen by a doctor. I told the police that she was suffering from post-partum depression. Her first appt. with a psyche doctor is this week. Since the incident she has been to her OB/GYN doctor and is taking Sarafem. It works quite well. What a difference a drug makes. She has totally changed. That's good for me.

Thanks,
Dale


She has tried to strangle me, chased me out the house twice with knife, spilt hot tea on me, spat at my face in front of 7 year son, many more.....

I have been battered husband for a year. I did not where to turn who to contact, but showed my injuries to my doc in May/June 2001. Thank heaven I found your site. My wife has turned the tables 180 degrees on me!!!

I love our 3 children, and I love my wife Susan. Susan is a very angry woman for some reason. She hates my side of family. If I go see my mum or sisters, Susan will swear at me at least 30 times, kick me, scratch me, bang her head against door etc. She say the ultimatum is either her or them (my mum/sisters)!!! It is a stupid situation. She does not want me to see my mum/sis nor are kids allowed to see them!! Susan opens all our mail, she even takes phone with her when she goes out. She has tried to strangle me, chased me out the house twice with knife, spilt hot tea on me, spat at my face in front of 7 year son, many more.....

Now she is asking for separation, and she wants custody of kids, and me to pay maintenance, she has lied and got a restraining order on me. Why does she want to split our family....can anyone help. She will not go see doctor or counsellor....I have been many times over last 2 years. She did see a phsyciatrist 3 years ago for one brief session, he wanted to keep her overnight in hospital, but due to shortage in beds, I had to take Sue home. He said to bring her back in a week...but she never went back.

Please please help us. My mum & sisters have not been to our house for 3 years, this is not fair. We are in our 40's. Kids are 19y, 15y & 7y old.

Colin.....HELP!!!!!


I even had two therapists tell me that the abuse I went through was good for me.

I can give you several cases to document where the local police and the local mental health counselors just totally blew me off and refused to help me. I even had two therapists tell me that the abuse I went through was good for me. The others I saw were just totally hateful and made it clear that they had no intention of helping me. There is something VERY wrong with the local mental health community here in Escambia/Santa Rosa county florida (the two counties have the same program together). Theres something even more wrong with the cops in Escambia county. Its like they think their job is to harras people and never help anyone. But I sure can't do anything about it. I'm to worn out and tired to even clean my house.

I wish someone would intervene and do something about how these "professionals" treat people around here. I went to the neighboring county of Okaloosa and talked to the people at the "Okaloosa/Walton Mental Health Agency" and they flat out refused to give me any helpful information at all. They refused to even tell me if there are any abuse support groups in the area. It was like all this information was a big secret or something. I guess because it was all women working there. When a man gets treated for abuse by a woman the abuse statistics that feminists use to vilify men get farther out of their favor. I've learned something in all of this though. There are not more male criminals than female criminals in this country, its just that the women get away with violence and men don't. Dont tell that to a feminist though, she'll probably try to destroy you.


I love him very much and want to help him however I can..whether that be end our relationship, or whatever. I just don't know how to help and I'm afraid he's going to lose all hope and do something stupid. What can I do?

Bert, I'm emailing you about an abusive situation that I am aware of that I am very concerned about. Your website said you wanted personal stories, but since this is written by me instead of the victim himself you may refer me somewhere else. I am open to any suggestions.

I am a female who had been in a verbally abusive relationship myself until 6 months ago..was married for 24 years and near the end of my marriage had tried everything to make my marriage work. In fact, I only realized after reading some of your information that I truly was in an abusive relationship and understood for the first time why it was so difficult for me to get out of that relationship.

Back to my reason for writing...about 2 years ago, myself, desperate for help and/or understanding of my own situation, I started searching the web for sites..I was looking for a message board or a chat area to find someone that was experiencing similar problems as myself. I answered an ad written by a gentleman..the two of us eventually met and became lovers...but we also became very good friends and have continued to share our problems with one another. After having read from your website, I feel quite stupid for not having realized his true problems...I suppose its because I was refusing to see that I, myself, was suffering from abuse. His story...

Simon was single, having been through a nasty divorce. He had a very good job, had a nice home. He was dating another woman when Gwen came along...Gwen saw what she wanted and conquered...basically, moving into his home uninvited... She is 15 years younger, was divorced with 2 small children that her husband had custody of. I suspect that the abuse happened pretty much from the start, but from what I understand she started withholding sex from him after about the first year they were together. Simon never intended to have a permanent relationship with her and she was aware of that but kept hanging in there.

They live in England...there are no common law marriages (as of yet) and according to the law if there is no monetary input by one party towards household expenses, then that party has no claim against the household. Thus, Simon has been paying all household expenses, although she lives there and works...she spends her money any way she sees fit. He pays for everything...and from my understanding she controls his money as well.

Several years into their relationship, Simon developed colon cancer, which his mom had died from only 4 months earlier. His cancer was malignant and even though his prognosis was very good, he was afraid he was going to die. Well...I suppose in an effort to "cleanse his soul" he divulged some information to her that was very personal and would be very damaging to him personally if it were revealed. HUGE MISTAKE...but, he recovered from the cancer and has gotten a clean bill of health.

She totally controlls him and regularly threatens him to divulge the information she knows. He has told me that it could ruin him personally, professionally... She has been physically violent with him, although I don't think that's the normal behavior. Because of her indifference to sex, or because of her only wanting it when she wanted it and the way she wanted he quit trying..they've not had a sex life in several years. He finally told her he was impotent and she has put him down, humiliated him in front of other people, telling them that he is impotent.

She is never satisfied with anything, continually bitches at him to do more around the house, bitches and complains when everything is not just the way she wants it, continually wants to blow his money ie. remodelling the house, wanting cars, expensive gifts. She regularly has temper tantrums, is very rude to his family members, has very little to do with his family or friends, always has to have things her way. He has told her that he didn't love her, told her he'd like for her to move out, but she hangs on - and ignores his wishes.

She had put him down so badly that by the time we met, he had almost no self-esteem, didn't think he could perform sexually, really felt totally worthless as a human being. We were able to meet and spend a few days together last year. Recently, we had another visit, spent some wonderful days together. We've fallen in love...the problem is that he has lost all hope of being able to get her out of his life. He is absolutely miserable, and I'm afraid our seeing each other again made things worse for him...He has been suffering from depression which seems to be growing more severe and I've gotten quite worried about him.

I was aware of his problems with Gwen from the beginning, although I didn't know how severe they were...I'm afraid I've not understood until now all his fears...and always thought maybe he was exaggerating a bit...I'm beginning to realize the full implications of the emotional damage that a battered relationship leaves you with.

I love him very much and want to help him however I can..whether that be end our relationship, or whatever. I just don't know how to help and I'm afraid he's going to lose all hope and do something stupid. What can I do?

If there is anything you might could suggest, I am certainly willing to try it...

Your website is most informative and I'm very grateful I found it. I work for social services and plan to give your web address to some of the social workers who regularly deal with abuse issues. Thank you so much for your time and your effort!!! Keep up the good work - it gives people encouragement and hope!!!


My mother routinely threw things at my father, my brother and myself. This was in addition to the verbal abuse. An acquaintence's wife took a shot at him with a pistol she stole. Fortunately she missed. He never reported the incident. A boss had his wife chase him around the house with a butcher knife.

Its not uncommon. My mother routinely threw things at my father, my brother and myself. This was in addition to the verbal abuse. An acquaintence's wife took a shot at him with a pistol she stole. Fortunately she missed. He never reported the incident. A boss had his wife chase him around the house with a butcher knife. He called relatives and they subdued her.

A woman I briefly dated chased her early teen-aged boys out into the street because they were "evil" males. Fortunately they located their father and moved in with him. She was taking a masters in Social Work and planned on getting into "family counseling." A friend's wife refuses to talk to her 20 something son for roughly the same reason. She's convinced that he beat his ex-wife even tho both deny it absolutely. She also is a social worker.

[The author adds: I would also suggest that these are not ordinary women and that there are men who are equally abusive. The vast majority of women and men that I've met are decent, non-abusive people.]


Don't psychologists have a code of ethics? Even prisoners of war must be treated according to certain guidelines. How can we diffuse this? Doesn't she have to abide by some ground rules? She doesn't have a right to verbally abuse us does she?

She is a professor of child psychology with a Ph.D.. I had no idea people like this existed and had no idea that someone in her position could get away with it. I cannot believe no one has caught on to her. She is mean, abusive, threatening, manipulative and cruel.

As an example, she tells us she is sending their adopted daughter to us because she can no longer deal with her. We agree,are thrilled, get her room ready, then out of the blue she calls and begins threatening my husband with made up stories and issues that happened years ago. She threatens to black mail him.

Their oldest daughter is 13 and has been diagnosed as being emotionally and mentally ill. She has told so many lies about us it is un believable. Even though her mother knows she has been diagnosed, she chooses to believe any lie the child tells and then calls us to rant and rave over something that never happened.

I truly believe her only concern is that as a child psychologist she is more afraid of being embarrassed by her emotionally ill daughter than she is in getting help for her.

Your article are right on target. My husband is afraid to stand up to her because he is afraid of losing his children. We have become imprisoned at times by her nastiness and fear that we might upset her. She does not communicate, she talks a hundred miles an hour or rants and raves.

I have had it and will take it no more. I want to protect and educate my husband because he cannot protect himself - your article is right - she has trained him so well and knows is vulnerable spots so well she can take advantage of any situation. I do not want him to lose his beautiful children, but acceptance of her verbal abuse is no longer OK.

Don't psychologists have a code of ethics?

Even prisoners of war must be treated according to certain guidelines.

How can we diffuse this? Doesn't she have to abide by some ground rules? She doesn't have a right to verbally abuse us does she?

[Bert replies:]I'm always leery in a relationship when someone says they have the "right" to do something, or that someone else doesn't have the "right." You may have the "right" to nag at me, and I have the "right" to be angry about it. A simplistic analogy, to be sure.

The main thing for a person in an abusive relationship is to protect yourself. Over a long period of time, you get worn down and get "used to it." (That happened to me in my prior marriage -- and I can't tell you what a relief it was when it was over - like a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders!)

One would hope that a child psychologist would comport herself or himself on the lines of what they help others with—"walk the walk" or "mirror" in their own lives how things should be done. But I know too many counselors to believe that's true. Too, too many don't do this.

If she's working with a caseload concerned with abuse, there's always the chance to file a complaint with the licensing authority. But that is way, way secondary. The first and most important thing is that he take care of himself. Anything you can do to help and support him in that would be great.


I was the most positive happy person always caring, never hit or pushed my weight around. I cherrished her and the more I cherished her the more lethal her words became. till she started hitting me.

All my friends are on her side. I still love her and it's literally making me bleed to death inside. I'm hemoraging internally. and she won't let me go. I have no-oe to talk to. My businesses have gope under. Even my counselor is on her side. The police, the courts, women helping women, And I was the most positive happy person always caring, never hit or pushed my weight around. I cherrished her and the more I cherished her the more lethal her words became. till she started hitting me. Till now I have never raised a hand to her. I have a restraining order and can't see her or my son And I feel like I'm going to die without them. No one believes me. This one is very serious her whole family is violent all in and out of prison. She seemed like a little angel I just wanted to take her away from all that hatred and lies. I'm afraid she will manipulate her family to come after me she has done it to others since childhood.


I am currently getting a divorce,,,she filed,,,,,,I relapsed back to drinking and using drugs. Which I know I can't keep clean around her ,,,,she is a codependent and the adult child of alcoholic parents,,,,,and I don't want to die,,,so I accept the divorce as a healthy step in my recovery.... oops I also had a homosexual event with a man while I was dressed as a woman,,,,,,Yes I told her,,big mistake....I don't think it bothered her as much as she let's on,,,,,,,It was part of my self destructive nature. I am a crosdressor ,, infact I slept in nighties for the past 5 years, with her ofcourse,,,,,I had also other fetishistic behaviors, infantisim,bd, s&m (me submissive),,,, she would spank me, if I asked her to....However a couple of times, during the spanking,( with her sitting on my back while I was laying face down, she is twice my body weight,) I asked her to stop and she wouldn't she continued inspite of my pleading,,,,once whipped my penis and testacals,,,,breaking small blood vessels, creating blood blisters on both......is this considered abuse?,,,,spanking my behind she would leave huge black and blue bruises........ Most severe of all is the verbal abuse,,,,,,,"you're not a man", ,, then infront of other women,,, "stop acting like a man",,,constantly berating me in front of strangers,family(HERS AND MINE), my employees,,,and worst of all my daughter,,11 years old .............. The last time I relapsed I sobered up to get back together with her,,,,this time I was doing it for myself,I didn't want her involved in my counseling etc.,,,,,,Which I am sure pissed her off,,,,Wee have been separated for 9 weeks now,,,,,,,she also had stopped me from going to our church, telling the elders she wouldn't go if I was there,,,even though I have confessed and repented of my sins,,,,,,through much insistence I have finally been allowed to return,,,,firsat time will be Nov. 18,,,,I am looking forward to it,,,though I expect a few dirty looks...I have viewed the church thing as another part of her controling,,,,,,,,,I believe she has told my daughter everthing,infact I am certain,,,needless to say my daughter doesn't want to see me,,,,,My daughter is very angry with me,,,I expect that from the using,,,,,the other stuff ,,, well I don't know. My daughter hates me now and I am enduring yet broken hearted, because of my wife's treatment of me, my daughter hasn't respected me for the past 18 months...I am fighting for some counseling and visitation for me and her .....

      I am interested in some comments.
         Clean and sober
            And so happy to still be alive.

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

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Domestic Violence in Washington: 25,473 Men a Year
According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. In Washington, that's 42,824 women and 25,473 men. That includes 2,754 on whom a knife was used, 5,508 threatened with a knife and 11,016 hit with an object. Here are the data.

Help for Battered Men Practical suggestions, Hotline numbers, on-line resources. Print it out and hand it to a man you think may be battered--your caring opens him up to talking about it.

What's Wrong with the Duluth Model? The "Duluth Model" is the approach most widely used for perpetrator treatment--but it gender polarizes the "people problem" of domestic violence.. What's wrong with the Duluth Model? It blames and shames men. It's based on ideology, not science. It ignores drinking, drugs and pathology. Only one cause, only one solution. There's no real evidence it works. It ignores domestic violence by women. Women who need help can't get it. It's taught by wounded healers.

Latest Research Findings National Violence Against Women survey shows 37.5% of victims each year are men. Men are at real risk of serious physical injury. Murray A. Straus looks at controversies in DV research. Martin Fiebert examines reasons women give for assaulting men. JAMA emergency room study shows equal number of men, woman victims.

 
     

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