John Lee’s At my Father’s Wedding(republished as The Wounded Lover)(order on-line) is a classic in Men’s Work, but he remains better known in recovery circles (for example as the author of Flying Boy) (order on-line) than in Men’s Work. This is our loss. His latest book is an important book because it deals directly with a topic we would just as soon avoid: we’re afraid to express anger outside the Wisdom Council circle because we can’t tell the difference between anger and rage, and we are afraid that if we rage will not be able to control it. We may hurt or kill someone, we fear. But if we don’t find an outlet for our anger, if we pretend it isn’t there, we will bottle it up inside us until it attacks our bodies with ulcers or something, and ultimately kill us before our time.

John has an engaging, fast-reading writing style, especially when he is writing about his own experiences. He lays out his concepts simply, and they are easy to understand. He has wonderful and practical chapters on dealing with anger in your primary relationship and with your children.

I had the impression on reading it that he was speaking directly -- forcefully and candidly -- to me. He makes no bones about his misgivings about many forms of traditional therapy, or approaches in the best-selling books on anger that sound great, but simply don’t work. Saying that anger is not a primary emotion and all you have to do is go beneath it to see what causes it is like saying that when you experience joy you should go explore what’s behind it. What we need to do, instead, is acknowledge it and find ways to express it safely. All you have to do is screw up the courage to put his techniques to work -- before that rage festers inside you, killing you, or boils out of you, hurting the ones you love.