4105 East Madison, Suite 330
Seattle WA 98112
(206) 328-4MEN
(206) 328-4636
Do you want to feel good about yourself as a man, but often feel unsure what being a man really means?
If so, you are not alone. More and more men are taking a close look at their lives, and seeing that the male role is often a source of pain and confusion.
This is due to the ways boys and men are hurt because of negative attitudes about them as males, and the harmful roles they are pressured into playing as a result. Despite courageous efforts to hold onto human connection with ourselves and others, we end up feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and numb, with few options.
The truth is, we were born to live without limits.
All men, including you,.naturally possess the ability to recover from any hurtful experience. You were born good, loving and connected with all life - and at any moment you can begin the journey back to your true self.
While you may face many challenges in this process, the rewards can be rich and immense. You can break free from isolation and competition. You can create more satisfying and meaningful relationships with your family, and with other men and women. And you can uncover a wellspring of joy, closeness, flexibility, creativity and pride-the full humanity which is your birthright.
An important step is reaching out - asking for and receiving help. Now is a good time to begin or continue your healing work. At Men's Counseling Center Northwest, we are here to assist you. We use a powerful and personal approach to therapy, with special attention given to the needs unique to men. Please give us a call at 328-4MEN (4636).
We look forward to hearing from you!
Scott Petit, M.A.A.B.S.
Stefan Schlesinger, M.A.A.B.S.
Men's Counseling Center Northwest offers confidential and professional counseling to individuals, couples, and families. We also have ongoing men's support groups. A sliding fee scale is available. Your initial consultation is free.
Scott Petit and Stefan Schlesinger each received a Master of Arts degree in Applied Behavioral Science from the Leadership Institute of Seattle, one of the country's foremost graduate programs in counseling and family therapy. They share backgrounds in communily mental health, and have studied and worked with leading practitioners in the field of men's therapy.
Through Men's Counseling Center Northwest, Scott and Stefan are committed to working together for the benefit of all men's lives, including each of their own and yours.
4105 East Madison, Suite 330
Seattle WA 98112
(206) 328-4MEN
(206) 328-4636
To take complete pride in yourself as a man;
To release the fear, grief, anger, and other emo-tional tensions men carry;
To talk with someone about a trauma or loss in your life, such as divorce, death in the family, unemployment, ...;
To free yourself from the effects of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse;
To reach for the supportive, joyful and vital world you have always envisioned for yourself;
To reclaim your ability to think and decide in ways true to yourself;
To establish the warm, close, intimate relationships which all people, including men, want and need in their lives;
And to treat yourself with the greatest respect and love.
How it works. Click below to send your question by e-mail to MenWeb. Stephan will answer it, and the question and answer will be posted below. Questions are welcomed from men and women.
Click here to send us your question.
I am in a weekly men's group here in Eugene. Last night, the men were to meet at my home, we rotate the location. I had planned to do a ritual, from talking with our brothers, to take us deeper and to deal with some of the blocks I was experiencing with a couple of men. Four men showed and three called an hour before to say they couldn't make it. One relayed that he was busy looking at a property, and one never called. I was angry and the group wanted to process my anger. I am tired of laying myself open to be facilitated or fixed by them. I think we are walking around conflicts and being nice to each other. I want to take it deeper so we can get closer, but I am afraid. Somehow it ends up being about me and what I want and those who want to show up when they feel like it, act defensive or mistreated. I just want to know why men are not coming to the weekly group. When I propose a bi-weekly group for this time of year, others say that it isn't what they want. It's been suggested that whoever shows up is the right people for that night. It just loses something for me when some men aren't there when we are doing some deep work. Anyway, got any suggestions?
I am planning to apply to the Master's Program at LIOS in Management Consulting Track. I am currently working on financing and funding by my employer. I was excited to see you have that background, because I feel connected to that work and to the men's movement.
I look forward to your answer and to hearing from you. Thanks.
Answer:
I am glad you're choosing to lead a men's group.
I think men's support groups are essential for us to reclaim our
full humanness. A core issue for us is that we were told, and
otherwise given the clear message from a very young age, that
we should not be close with each other. This has been a source
of great distress for men (whether or not we have been able to
acknowledge it). This can make men's groups a challenge. At the
same time, men's groups are a place where we can meet and face
this hurt, head-on. I currently lead three groups each week (men's
and mixed genders). Following is a list of things I do which I
think make the groups go well and keep people coming back. This
format takes about two and a half hours. Eight is about the maximum
number that will work.
And then one last thing, please let me know how it goes. I'd love to hear, and good luck with LIOS.
Stefan
My mother was a concentration camp victim who had little love to give, pessimistic, unsupportive, unencouraging, critical, unaffectionate, and never took an interest in me. My older sister was the same, and she ignored me. This made me very angry and resentful towards women. I have never had a relationship with one, and even though I've tried to forgive them in all kinds of ways, I still carry an immense amount of anger towards them. My sister has refused to contact me in 20 years, although I have tried. It seems that I am unable to receive love. What can I do?
P.S. My father was also a concentration camp victim.
Answer:
As I am also a Jew, your letter touched my heart. The emotional hurts of the holocaust and other traumatic events of the past can pass themselves on if they are not healed. In your case, while you cannot change the past or heal your family, you can completely heal the hurts that have been passed on to you.
The part of you that gives and receives love is intact despite the pain you have been carrying. You say you feel angry, but I also encourage you to find a safe place to feel the grief anyone would carry after having been emotionally abandoned as a young one. In that safe place, you might try telling your family goodbye, as they had died (perhaps as if they had been fatalities of the holocaust). This might be a way of feeling grief for the love you did not get (though of course deserved). Sometimes the angry feelings can dissipate when the grief is faced and felt to its depth.
The natural process of emotional release, like crying with grief, does heal the hurt and allow one to see the past as over and benign. Jews, in particular, get to reclaim the knowledge that we are lovable and completely good, and that we deserve close friends and dependable allies. While primary relationships are important, closeness with men, as I have repeated often in these pages, is crucial. I recommend that men have merely to find a group or place where they can look at feelings which have their roots in the past, get supported for created the wonderful fulfilling lives that they deserve, and get CLOSE!!!!
Stefan
I have an all-too-serious question: Why are men so driven by their penises?
R.K.
Answer:
Thank you for such a great question. To start with, I don't think men are really driven by their penises, but for many men it does feel that way. Certainly this has been the observation expressed with frustration by some women in attempting intimacy with men or experiencing sexism on a daily basis. Statements like "he let the little head do the thinking for the big head" may appear true, but I believe the real truth is that men, like all humans, are born very good, loving, powerful, creative, and open to many possibilities for closeness and intimacy. Sex is only one of the infinite ways that people can be close with each other.
Now, if you look at a little baby boy, you will see a very loving human, but when you look at an adult man, you may see something else. I think we are carrying a tremendous amount of confusion around closeness and sex. This has to do with the systematic denial of closeness, and men being humiliated and physically hurt when we were young and tried to be close with each other. Then, when we tried to get close with girls, oh, but "girls have cooties," more ridicule and shame for wanting closeness. This type of hurt, which is quickly internalized and passed on serves a larger function to the society we live in.
Our society is emerging from a basis in war and production. If a little boy were supported to be truly loving, how would you get him to go to war and kill another human or to compete? He would not do it. So society systematically hurts us by denying closeness and leaves us with patterns which make any kind of intimacy difficult.
So what does this have to do with being driven by our penises? Everything. There was one thing I didn't mention when I was telling you about the way boys are raised: we are denied closeness more and more as we get older, but then around puberty, when there is already a lot of feeling going on, we are told with a nod and a wink that there is thing called sex. As adults, we won't give you good information about it, and as adults, we don't really want to answer your questions because no one answered ours, but this might be a narrow window through which to get your needs for closeness met. All people have a very large, very natural need for nonsexual closeness. The denial of closeness accompanied by misinformation around sexuality, humiliation and the threat of physical violence have kept men scared, confused, isolated, and desperate.
So when a man is being driven by his penis, the truth is that he is simple acting out this desperation which has its roots in the experiences of a completely innocent and terrified precious little boy. The way out of this is for men to get close to each other, tell our stories, eliminate sexism, and begin the emotional healing process. This will take us towards reclaiming our true flexibility.
Stefan
Question:
Gentlemen, I was the victim of physical spousal abuse by my former wife--broken bones, etc. I found that almost lack of concern from all sides on this matter. I called an 800 domestic violence counseling number. When the violence started to escalate. I had called the local police about eight times, but failed to press charges (I love my former spouse very much). She did not look like a female wrestler. She was very attractive. This made it even harder to obtain any belief or help from anyone. When I called the 800 number, my ex heard me on the other phone and went ballistic. I have always believed in nonviolence and, thus, never punched her or physically retaliated on her person to the abuse I received in any manner, other than to seek help or call the police. When she heard me calling the 800 number domestic abuse counselor, she ran away in my car.
When I returned home from work the next day, she had me arrested by the police for simply battery (I was 40 miles at work when the alleged incident took place). The police listened to my story. As they had been called out by me on numerous occasions, they told me that they knew what was going on and, indeed, had refused to file charges at my ex-wife's insistence. All simple battery charges were dropped and I subsequently divorced her. When I called the 800 number, she wrote letters to my employer and relatives reiterating her false charges of physical abuse. (Her first marriage, likewise, ended upon similar allegations.)
The counselor at the 800 number told me to call a local southeast Louisiana number for further assistance. When I called, they responded with "WE DO NOT HELP MALE VICTIMS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE!" I was lucky, all false charges were dropped. I am still alive. I do not think that I would be if I was still married to my ex. I did contact a trained marriage counselor. Although my ex said she would go and talk to them, she never did.
As I had decided to divorce my violent ex, the counselor said that he guessed that I did not need his help any more. I told him that to the contrary I felt that I definitely needed to talk to someone about what I had been through. I went through every facet of my life and marriage with him. It was his opinion that my ex needed serious help and that I was helping from classic symptoms of battered spouse syndrome. I was lucky. Although I am still stigmatized by my ex's false accusations.
My question is this: Are there any organizations that other men in similar situations can turn to for help? There is a need for support of male victims of abuse and violence.
Answer:
Dear Male Victim, Thank you for your story and the opportunity to share it on line. In answer to your question, I do not know of any organizations which help men out of and through situations similar to the one you experienced. I refer you back to M.E.N. Magazine and MenWeb.
Before addressing your particular experience, I feel compelled to address the broader picture of domestic violence. In doing so, I in no way mean to belittle your experience and the mistreatment you received. I know the response you got from the police and others was inadequate and inappropriate. I am also aware of the situation behind that response. It is a fact that in almost every case of domestic violence resulting in serious injury and emotional pain, and sometimes death, the victim is a woman. Moreover, the victim's abuser, almost always a man, will claim that he was hit first as justification for abusing her. His violence is usually much more damaging than hers. It is also extremely common for men who abuse to be in extreme denial about the amount of force that they used and the damage they do.
As a result, police and support services may not listen to men and assume they are lying, (which they often are). Historically, in terms of our roles in society, the female victim has been believed, and the male has had more power to both intimidate and overpower her. While I sympathize strongly with your situation, it is very important that as men we keep in mind the magnitude of the problem of violence against women as a group. Our liberation as men depends on our working to end that violence in all forms of sexism.
On the other hand, your situation, when a man is hit and no one believes or protects him, is unfair and very unfortunate. The very best thing you can do is to disengage from the same. Never hit back; the police will not believe you and you may end up in jail. You did the right thing in getting away. And I am sorry you had to do it without support. I run general men's support groups for men to get close. Each member brings his own burning issues. I am weary of support groups which focus on victimhood, though that can be useful for a short time or to initially get a man involved in counseling. I am also weary of groups which feel compelled to identify, blame, and otherwise focus upon an abuser; I definitely do not want to see men organize in any way that identifies women as abusers. We need to be cautious about targeting women as a group--and not a step forward!
Just like men who abuse, those of us who are abused need to look at our memories of physical violence as young people. Whether we experience it directly, observe it, or knew it was happening. Young males are denied emotionally loving physical intimacy, and are threatened with, if not subjected to, violence, humiliation and isolation if we seek closeness. The lack of closeness in our lives (nonsexual intimacy) as young and adult men has been a serious loss and a source of pain for us. Often when women are even slightly physical with us, or even around us, we can get confused--both because we are carrying such a huge load of hurt in this area, and because we can feel threatened by women acting in a way different from stereotypical (meek and intimidated, nonpowerful) roles.
I definitely support you in finding a good men's group that will hold out the highest vision for you, your healing, and life, for getting close to other men and women, and for looking at and releasing the emotional hurts, and particularly the fear and grief which has resulted from your ex-wife's mistreatment of you. If you are in the Seattle area and are interested in joining one of our groups, call Men's Counseling Center Northwest at 206-328-4636. We always offer free initial consultation.
Stephan
Question:
Is there a male pill?
Answer:
None that I know of. I have read news reports that the French are working on one. I don't believe that a male oral contraceptive will protect men against sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs). They have not helped women in that regard. Condoms, which are readily available, can protect against STDs and pregnancy. Of course, nothing is a hundred percent. In order for condoms to work, you have to wear them. If you found that condoms are like taking a shower with your clothes on, I recommend Kimono Maxx brand condoms. These are a Japanese brand which is distributed in the United States by Meyers Laboratory. You can obtain them in them health food stores.
Question:
My wife says I (like herself) need one or more close friends that I can confide in. I am self-reliant and satisfied with my own counsel. Are men (as opposed to nurture) prone to not develop intimate types of relationships or am I in the minority?
Answer:
This is a very important question. Like you, many men have become self-reliant. We've done a good job in the face of challenges society has dealt us. In some ways, we are models for all people of human capability. At the same time, we have also been forced into independence. When we, as men, move forward in breaking our isolation from each other and women, the world will transform. Human intelligence functions at its optimum in an atmosphere of love and closeness. From birth on, we love to be close and have friendship in our lives-men included! As young males, we were denied closeness and threatened with emotional and physical violence and humiliation if we attempted to be close. Young males are encouraged to not cry, not get comforted and snuggle, and not to be too physically intimate with each other, and to persevere, even when in pain. You can think about little boys and how much they like to play and how open they can be, and how precious, loving, and lovable. Then you can think of the adult men in your life and compare those two images. Clearly, something has happened to us. We get to reclaim that little guy for ourselves and for the men in our lives. When I attempt friendships with men, I experience discomfort, embarrassment, and discouragement. I sometimes feel that I am not very good at it! But I know that these feelings are just the old hurts showing themselves in order to be healed. I hold out the vision of closeness as the truth. I encourage you, and all men, to create close friendships with each other, and you can figure out as you go the extent to which you want to confide in your friends, or exactly what would make sense for you. You do get to have the intimate relationships that are your birth right.
Question:
Can it hurt me if I masturbate too much?
Answer:
I really can't answer that question from a medical point of view.
But I do know that it makes sense to treat our bodies with love
and tenderness, always. In my men's liberation work, I encourage
men to have lots of close, intimate relationship, both sexual
and nonsexual in their lives. I think masturbation can be a way
to avoid difficult feelings we might have to face when we attempt
these relationships. As a substitute for closeness, I do think
masturbation can be harmful emotionally. Incidentally, our masturbation
fantasies (what we think about while we're masturbating) can provide
clues about where we have been hurt and confused around sex and
closeness. If we were to heal all of these hurts and get all
of the closeness we need, I wonder how much we would masturbate?
Question:
When getting physically close with my partner (woman) recently, I kept feeling my fear of intimacy and thinking about my mother??? And I found myself confused...since much of my closeness came from my mom, when I get it from my partner, it feels strange. Sex feels perfectly comfortable as do other emotions. So, I guess my question is: Since mothers are our usual outlet for closeness, perhaps emotional closeness mixed with physical closeness is confusing for men? Comment please.
Answer:
Thank you for such a great question. I think you have answered it precisely. Our mothers were our usual source of closeness, and for some of us, perhaps the only one. All people have an inherent need for emotional and physical closeness and should have gotten it from many people in our lives. As young males, in particular, we are discouraged from closeness beginning at a very early age. But then we are allowed a certain kind of closeness through sexual relationships with women. The lack of closeness in our lives in a source of pain for us. As a result, as you said, we can feel comfortable with sex, but confused or awkward or otherwise uncomfortable with nonsexual closeness. All the confusing feelings that we notice in our current relationships (providing they are loving ones) are very likely a lot of old feelings from those early hurtful experiences. As usual, I recommend that men have merely to find a group or place where they can look at these feelings, get support for creating the wonderful fulfilling life they deserve and GET CLOSE!!!!
Question:
I need some help in finding a career choice. I am not really looking for direction, but more a means of finding a direction. I am 25 years old, have a son in school, and I am very worried about the time, and time lost. With some exceptions, I am fairly smart, very grounded, and basically have a good head on my shoulders, but I don't really know what I will be happy doing. I feel I am getting a late start at my real life, due to my wasted six years in the Navy. So to cut to the chase, I would like to know if there is a course of action I could take to find a job, and what kind of effort should I expend on trying to find a partner. And should I settle for something less than I really want, even if my expectations could be a little too high in both areas.
Answer:
You are very good, you're doing well, you have lots of time, and it's good you're thinking about your life and your next steps. Try reaching out to people, or join a group. I really do think that by having closeness in our lives, our thinking about ourselves becomes clearer. You never have to settle for anything less than your full and complete dream.
A message from Stefan Schlesinger, MA
Dear men of the MenWeb:
I love hearing all that you have to say and thinking about the issues that you bring up. I have noticed that many questions deal with relationships and sex, which is understandable and important, since sex has been one in which we have been able to express and experience our humanness, intimate deep feelings, security, sexuality, tenderness, love for and from another person. I now would like to invite you to write about the many other important areas of your life. To that end, I offer ten suggestions.
These ten ideas are just a starting point for addressing the very important parts of our lives that we don't get to share much with anyone. I am sure you have thought of your own burning issues, if I haven't mentioned them.
Sincerely,
Stefan Schlesinger
Here is our response to some recent questions about penises. I hope you guys know which response is for your question. I'll bet you do.
Question:
Why are American men so puritanical in their bathing attire at the public beach or pool?
Why these expensive baggy trousers that seem designed to deny the genitals and buttocks, engulf the size and camouflage the upper legs down to the knees?
If men are so penis-driven, why wouldn't they want to wear tight-fitting Speedoes that shape and define the penis and buttocks? Women have no hesitation to form and uplift their wares for public sexual display on the beach. Even if young men with well-formed beautiful healthy bodies hide themselves in these puffy, almost girlish, bloomers, if we're so proud and centered on our penises, why don't we have more manly display in public social situations like the beach where it's legal, appropriate, virile, and becoming to do so?
Answer:
"Def gouts et des couleurs on ne discute pas." Meilleurs voeux, Stefan. P.S. Men are much more frightened and embarrassed about their penises than they are truly proud. Our penises are not something we have been free to talk about with friends or family or anyone, but they have been the focus of a lot of attention.
Another question for Stefan Schlesinger.
Dear Stefan, is it true that you are related to Dr. Laura Schlesinger?
Only in my dreams.