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Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Battered Men's Stories

Men's Personal Stories

(continued)

Copyright © 1998-2001 by Bert H. Hoff in trust for the anonymous contributors

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for battered men.


During my marriage, I was subjected to constant verbal and physical violence. I never reported it. After all, I'm 6'3", 240 lbs and a loving, devoted husband and father of two boys!

It's surprising how easy it is to be a woman, pick up the phone, dial 911, and have a man arrested. It wasn't until I went to Radio Shack and bought a small tape recorder, that my arrests ended. After 4 arrests for 'harassment' I'd had enough. The last 3 time the Sheriffs knocked on my door, I was able to avoid arrest by simply replaying the actual conversation, on magnetic tape (complete with my voice stating time and date), to prove my ex-wife a liar. (I RECOMMEND A TAPE RECORDER FOR ALL GOING THROUGH THIS TYPE OF SITUATION.)

I just found this site, and I must say - Thank God!!! It's your site (and others) that has inspired me to seek my dream. I've just enrolled in a local college to become an attorney - practicing father's and men's rights. I know this will be a long road, but I have the strength and determination to follow through. I have much support through many men going through similar tribulations such as mine.

Two years ago I discovered my wife's affair. Since that time, my life has become a living hell. Her lover lives in the Caribbean, and that's where she wishes to live. It's surprising how easy it is to be a woman, pick up the phone, dial 911, and have a man arrested. It wasn't until I went to Radio Shack and bought a small tape recorder, that my arrests ended. After 4 arrests for 'harassment' I'd had enough. The last 3 time the Sheriffs knocked on my door, I was able to avoid arrest by simply replaying the actual conversation, on magnetic tape (complete with my voice stating time and date), to prove my ex-wife a liar. (I RECOMMEND A TAPE RECORDER FOR ALL GOING THROUGH THIS TYPE OF SITUATION.)

During my marriage, I was subjected to constant verbal and physical violence. I never reported it. After all, I'm 6'3", 240 lbs and a loving, devoted husband and father of two boys! I just wanted to make my marriage work!!! The sad news is, it takes two.

At the time that my marriage started falling apart, I was working at a career that paid me $40,000 a year. Sadly, a year before that, I managed to get my wife a position with my company. In just a few months, I was terminated - due to "problems on the job with my ex-wife". I immediately took a job that paid $8.00 per hour. My weekly Child Support was $93.00 a week. After C.S. and typical expenses, I was left with about $30.00 a week to live on. Live? Come on!!! And the worst part? I have my children 50% of the time!!!

Two months ago, I accepted a job with Syracuse University. I work in food service. That's a far cry from utilizing my A.S. in Criminal Justice!! When I had the opportunity to join the local Sheriffs Dept., I allowed my wife to talk me out of it. She said it would be too dangerous. (What a fool I was! I became a garbage man instead!)

I am now proud to say, that I'm starting my first class next week. But - before I become an attorney, I will have already started my first "Men's Group". The injustice against men has gone on too long. I guarantee, you will hear my name, and read about my group in less than two years.

I have concerned myself with justice for most of my life. I now have a reason to fight!!! I may not change the world - but one fight at a time, I will help change the system!! God Bless and Good Luck!!!


The final thing is that now a days I cannot think of anything else as I am always afraid that my wife may not call the police again for nothing.

Sir,

I went through your website and find it greatly satisfying and have lot of things common to the views expressed.

I would like to be involved in this move to help men as I know a lot of men who just do not say anything against there wives because they feel ashamed of the society.

Couple of months back I was arrested by the police and charged with domestic battery.

I requested the police officer to reconsider my arrest and charging me with that crime as I had done nothing. But instead another police officer came in and started pushing me around.

I was let off only after I payed a cash bond of $2500 and my finger prints my photographs were taken at the police station.

On the intial hearing date I went to the court and told the Judge and the prosecuter that I was innocent and had done nothing but they wanted an attorney to represent me.

I searched for an attorney and talked to them all of them said that if your wife calls the police they have to come and arrest you and charge you with domestic battery.

So they suggested me to hire them to fight my case otherwise I may land in jail and serve even a year.

Now whom so ever I talk to tells me that I have been booked under a very very serious crime but I do not understand why? Is there no place for men in this kind of a situation.

So what I am wondering that is it so easy in America for a wife to call the police and get the husband arrested and then the police takes a cash bond and then the husband has to hire a attorney to fight the case.

Is there any way that I can get some help in my present circumstances and in future if this kind of thing happens to me.

I am afraid that as this case has already been put on my record next time if my wife calls the police the police will not even think twice because they will always give the reference of this case.

The final thing is that now a days I cannot think of anything else as I am always afraid that my wife may not call the police again for nothing.

Can you suggest me some real solution as I have never been in my life been into any situation involving the police and the court like this.Can my life straighten out again , is it possible to remove this thing from my record . Where should I go whom should I seek help from. Why am I made to spend so much money and time even when I am innocent.


I am on medication for an ulcer. Recently one night, I left my ulcer pills on top of the bathroom medicine cabinet and had to go upstairs to get them. In doing so, I accidentally knocked a can of shaving cream off the shelf and onto the floor. This woke up our toddler son in the adjacent bedroom after which my wife stormed out of our bedroom in a violent rage. She began beating on me with her fists while yelling at me through clenched teeth and wild eyes because I woke up our son after it took her "a solid hour" hour to put him to sleep.

I went downstairs to get away from her but she followed me all over the house ranting, raving, punching, scratching, with ever increasing anger. When she came at me with a rolling pin I was forced to defend myself. I shoved her against the doorjam so hard that it knocked the breath right out of her while letting the rolling pin fall to the floor. Meanwhile, our three year old son was standing at the foot of the stairs yelling for his mother to stop. At that point, she finally did.

And all of this because I inadvertantly woke up our son while going upstairs to retreive my ulcer medication. The next morning I woke up and my wife was sitting apologetically/sympathetically, by the foot of the bed, as if nothing had ever happenned...

This is a typical example of my wife's Jeckel & Hyde behavior which, incidentally, began shortly after our son was born and has carried on ( more or less ) over the last three years. If it weren't for our son I would've left a long time ago. However, he needs me and I can't bring myself to let go of him. And who would my wife vent her rage against if I were gone? I know these are lame excuses to some but they are valid when in the position described.

Any advice appreciated.

The only reply I could think of was to refer him to our page on Borderline Personality Disorder. "Jeckel & Hyde behavior" is something spouses of BPD people frequently mention. Any other suggestions? Pass them along and I'll forward them.


She beat me during the course of the marrage and I went for help. People could of helped but no one did. Finally in December 95 she attacked me in three diferent rooms even carried a picture taken of the wall to throw at me but because I was the man I was arrested.

My story is involved . However ther are simple facts that are presant .My wife now EX has lived her adult life by having men take care of her while she seeks her next mate. Furthermore she uses control to get what she wants including violence, threats, and false reports to police. In my case she used all three and more. I did not know these things when we got married only after searching for the truth and investagting the crimes comited aganst me did I uncover a definite pattern to her actions aginst men. THERE IS ALLWAYS SOMEONE AFTER HER, AND ALL FORMOR RELENSHIPS HAD VIOLENCE AGINST HER. What I have discovered is that she was instionalized as a child for mental problems. She has for a long time claimed people are after her. My marrage to her should not be upheled. She was living with another man while dating me. We lived three miles apart yet nether of us know. She pulled this off by lying about a former relenship that she claimed she was stalked. THerefore she did not want her address or phone known.

She beat me during the course of the marrage and I went for help. People could of helped but no one did. Finally in December 95 she attacked me in three diferent rooms even carried a picture taken of the wall to throw at me but because I was the man I was arrested. My wife convinced me to stay in the marrage and take the plea so that we could get on with our lives and I could avoid the posibally of a record. Faced with moving from my home paying to support her while tring to win a case that never should have seen me arrested in the first place I gave in. Little did I know that when she talked to the DA she lied to them and me. She told me she was going to tell what happened her attacking me and that she needed help but that not what she said to them. She is a master manipulator and can cry on cue. She lied in the divorce did not have to pay any of the bills in both names.

The most damaging thing is she set out to intentionally hurt me. By geting a restraning order and by making false actulations aginst me in court. I have proven that she lied to the DA but they wont take any action aginst her becaues the police wont charge her. The law is not about truth any more. BUT I deserve the truth to be herd and my records to be free from fraud and lies. MY rights have been denied through the cases in court. The most damming evidence I have aginst her is the fact that she approached me while I was in a girlfriend's SUV and then moved next to her at the same time she told the court she was afaraid of me and was hiding and moving to keep her wearabouts secret from me. If you just read all the divorce papers you can see by her actions that is is bold and uncooperative to a fair settlement. When she was asked about the approaches to me in court she lied. She won her restraining order on lies.


During the course of a seven year marriage I was hit, scratched, gouged, bit, kicked and beat in the head with a high heel shoe until blood ran down my face. Another time I cooked her breakfast early on a Sunday (just because I wanted to) and when I told her "Honey! Time to get up. I made breakfast!" she went into a rage and told me that I was trying to "control" her by making breakfast. And then when she came into the kitchen and saw that I was finishing with the eggs, she screamed and called me a liar ("You fucking liar! Breakfast isn't ready!) and in retaliation picked up a pot of boiling hot grits and hurled it at me while my five year old son looked on.

I first shared this story on an e-mail list I participate in. I was held up to ridicule and disbelief by some of the other men on the list. Comments like "Yeah, right" and even outright accusations of being a liar were made. People just have a hard time believing that a man can be on the receiving end of abuse.

One of the participants there (Tad) started a thread about a friend of his (female) that had been abused and he was promoting the idea that abusive men (not women, just men) be put on some sort of national register. So I replied with an offer to send links to research that shattered the popular stereotypes and showed that abuse was a two way street.

Tad took this to mean I was defending abusers and must be a wife beater myself. I am always amazed at how many men respond this way. Oddly enough I had some fairly supportive public posts and private e-mail but is all came from other women on the list. Go figure...

The plain and simple fact is that domestic violence is not an either/or issue. Men and women both abuse each other and at roughly equal numbers Hard to believe? Yes. True? Also yes.

I have had exactly two black eyes in my life. Real shiners they were. Both came from my first wife. And both times she knew, I mean she just knew, that I would not hit her back.

During the course of a seven year marriage I was hit, scratched, gouged, bit, kicked and beat in the head with a high heel shoe until blood ran down my face. Another time I cooked her breakfast early on a Sunday (just because I wanted to) and when I told her "Honey! Time to get up. I made breakfast!" she went into a rage and told me that I was trying to "control" her by making breakfast. And then when she came into the kitchen and saw that I was finishing with the eggs, she screamed and called me a liar ("You fucking liar! Breakfast isn't ready!) and in retaliation picked up a pot of boiling hot grits and hurled it at me while my five year old son looked on.

During that marriage I went into counseling. At one time when I was talking with a counselor I spoke of how I felt a need to "walk on eggshells" with my wife and to think long and hard before I spoke to her to be sure that what I had to say would not cause her to be angry. My counselor, a woman, told me that I (a man) was exhibiting behavior associated with "battered woman's syndrome"! She went on to tell me that was a misnomer and that it really ought to be called battered spouse syndrome because it affected men and women who were being abused physically, mentally or both in a relationships.

There were a lot of times during that marriage where I left the house with my son and went to stay with friends. They would see the bruises and the scratches and the bites. For me it was absolutely humiliating.

The only marks that anyone ever saw on my ex was redness around her wrists where I would restrain her. I can remember it like it was yesterday! I would be saying "Charlene, please just stop! Promise you will stop and I will let you go." And she would promise and it would be a lie. I'd let her go and often as not she would immediately punch me or kick me or look for a weapon.

There were times later when she would come to me and apologize and break down in tears and tell me she didn't know why she did these things. She would tell me that she just got so angry that she couldn't help it but then she would promise me it would never, ever happen again and I would hold her and tell her I loved her and that it would be OK and we would both cry together.

But it never lasted.

There were other methods of abuse too. Like the time after a relatively sane and normal argument that did not really escalate but where the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. After it had calmed down somewhat I told her maybe she would feel better if she went for a drive just to get out of the house for a while. So she did. And hours later she came back after midnight and I told her I had been worried. Se said "You didn't need to worry. I went to a bar and found someone to take care of me." I asked her "What do you mean?" And she told me that she had gone to Bennigans (a bar/restaurant chain) and a guy bought her a drink. She said later she went outside with him and walked up the hill behind the restaurant and there se fucked him on the ground. When she took off her clothes to get ready for bed her back was covered with scratches from the pine straw and leaves and she smelled of his semen.

I was shocked and hurt. I asked her to please take a shower because I could not stand that she "smelled" like this man. Which erupted into another argument because "Hell, I like the smell" and "It's too damn late to shower."

So when people ask why do people stay in abusive relationships, I know the answer. And when people try to make it out like women are helpless, I know it's a fallacy.

My experience with court in Gwinnett County, Georgia also makes me sensitive. If not for a letter written by my ex and the testimony of my (then) five year old son, I would be a convicted abuser today.

See, at the time my marriage finally broke up, my ex hired scum bag attorneys and what did they recommend? You guessed it! They told her to bring charges against me! So there I am....blood dried in my hair, tooth marks on my arms and scratches on my face getting a first person view of the inside of the county jail.

At arraignment I was offered a bench trial. The judge said "We don't take to wife beaters here in Gwinnett County." Needless to say, I took the jury trial instead.

What happened in between is what saved me. My ex wrote me a long letter, six or seven pages as I recall, in which she admitted that she was violent and out of control. She apologized over and over. All I can say is that it must have been a weak moment for her.

Later she broke into my home and tore that letter to a thousand pieces. If she had not been worried about getting caught maybe she would have taken the time to burn it. Or flush it. But she didn't. Instead she threw the pieces in the trash.

Well, I took em out and spent days painstakingly taping all pieces back together and my attorney introduced the letter at trial and had her read it out loud.

And my five year old son was also found competent to testify and testify he did.

The jury returned a not guilty in about twenty minutes. My attorney told me that without that letter and the testimony of my son, I would have stood about a 95% chance of conviction.

Oddly enough, before trial the DA interviewed my son and read the same letter. He told me that he was convinced that I was NOT guilty but that with political pressure brought by the "battered women's movement" he had no choice but to try and make me look like scum and convict me. He said that dropping the charges was a death knell for chances at re-election and until the political climate changed that was just the way things were.

Some justice huh?


Impact of not speaking out on female violence ... young men shy from relationships

My mother was my first "battered," She gave me violent, overwhelming enemas as a child, despite my screams of terror and begging. When she whipped me (when I showed some independence) it was with forsythia switches that form painful welts. Her friends used to a pass me around for greasy kisses and handling, despite my screams of terror. I was taught never to hit and woman (and never have) but women took advantage of that. I dated a woman, idiot that I was, who regularly slapped me, pretending it was a "game>'

I am very good looking and find that women here in San Francisco go out of their way to push me., even bump me off of the street (I am now an older man.) I do think San Francisco has the meanest women in the world - there were outreach posters up a few months ago for women who were raped or battered by another WOMAN. What a world. I am a somewhat oversensitive man now, in relation to women, and find endless female meanness - curt answers, impoliteness, deliberate verbal cruelty, and on and on. The standard things. Nevertheless, I have held to the basic idea that I am a good man, a good human.

This poor, suffering country! Recently I asked a couple of young men dispensing yogurt in a store how younger women were for the, these days. They just shook, their heads, smiled and laughed awkwardly, looked at each other, and said "We just keep our minds on yogurt." They are so frightened and shut down they can't even discuss it! Good luck to men everywhere. We need it. I also see women "pulling tricks" =a bus driver almost hit a man, then when he complained to her she accused him of making a racial slut (he didn't( and of threatening her. She was twice as big as the guy. I understand women's training includes sections of how to lie and make him the abuser, even when you abuse first. I'm sure you have heard all this before. Thanks for the opportunity to send this E-mail.


A wife talks of problems with an abusive 90-year-old mother

I am married to a man who has been abused by his mother all his life. We have been married 13 years; he will be forty years old in July. He is a mental health professional, a field he chose, I think, because somehow he thought he would be able to "cure" his disturbed mother. She is a very small woman, but her rage is enormous. He is her only child. All of her sickness fell on him. She hates so many people--her speech is a foul litany of curses against people who have supposedly insulted her. She is never to blame, rules apply only to others. As a small child, my husband was thrown down stairs, locked in closets, beaten. By the time he was 12, he was an emotional substitute for her spouse. As an adult her abuse has been emotional--threatening to kill herself, belittling him, as well as, paradoxically, insisting that he is wonderful, better than everyone else, etc. etc.--and at times physical.

My husband is wonderful--he takes after his father. He has a heart like an ocean. He is so ready to blame himself for anything that goes wrong, anywhere. She has burdened him with so much guilt and rage. As you can imagine, she's done all she can to break up the marriage, and I've spent thirteen years defending the marriage against her. She was committed last year to a psychiatric hospital, due to suicide threats, because her second husband had walked out on her, saying he couldn't take it anymore. She spent the time in the hospital calling my husband at work and screaming at him to get her out of there. He was worried sick and panic-stricken. "What if they talk to her and find out what she's like--they'll never let her out," he said to me. He did his best to have her discharged, into the care of my husband's father, his best friend.

My father in law stuck with her until February of this year. He did all he could to make her happy, he put up with all her screaming insults, he was terrified every time she threatened suicide. He and my husband, the only people left who cared about her, did all they could. I wasn't worried about her suicide threats. Does that sound cold? She has an absolute loathing of any physical pain, and a total intolerance to medication. I've seen an imaginary sore toe lay her up for a week, and one Tylenol knock her out for a day. I was more worried about my father in law. We had them both to visit for Christmas, and he looked terrible. She ruined the holiday with tantrums, curses, moods, all in front of our two young sons. "She'll kill him before she committs suicide, " I told my husband. But it was a good threat to use on kind-hearted men. As I said, my father in law stayed by her until February. She screamed at him once too often, and he suffered a massive cardiac and died. In the three days following the death my husband was physically and emotionally abused by her.

She has left many bodies in her wake. She is seventy years old, and in excellent health. She takes good care of herself

, has never gone hungry a meal in her life, has never known poverty.

Following the funeral I gave my husband an ultimatum--me or Mom. I don't want to lose him in the way we lost his father. Now she is again threatening suicide, claiming I am forcing him to choose between the two of us. Well, I am. She got away with this behavior for all these years, but no more. But how does he do it? How does an abused man, programmed since birth to pacify Mommy, keep Mommy happy, forgive Mommy, protect Mommy, apologize to Mommy, ever leave Mommy??? As the mother of two sons, as the wife of an abused man, I find your testimonials of great interest. I have no patience with this culture's pro forma idealization of women. Women can be just as vicious, just as heartless, just as violent. But, unlike men, they have a few extra weapons in their arsenal. How can I best save my husband from this woman? Do you happen to know of any web site that could maybe help me?


Man censured for speaking out ...

I just wanted to thank you for your efforts regarding illuminating the subject of domestic abuse, particularly male victims. I am a victim of abuse in a previous marriage, a father of two sons(who spend half their time with each parent) and a mid life career changer. As a non traditional university student (age 43) earning my Bachelors degree in social work, i am amazed at the bias in a field that purports to work towards ending oppression. i have recently been censored for speaking up in a domestic violence course. the instructor took exception to my pointing out that yes, men are victims of abuse too. not that that will stop me! but it does convey the level of institutional bias. in any event, thank you for maintaing this site, i have used materials from it to support my position in various research papers, and i provide the social work faculty with copies to enlighten them.


To start off, my "domestic abuse" was caused by my fiancÚ. I had met my fiancÚ in London, England last year at the hotel I was staying at in July 1998. We had corresponded by e-mail for months. Then in November 1998, she came to visit me. As soon as she arrived, we/she had arguments about trivial things, but we worked the problems out. Then in Dec 98 Jan 99, I visited her in England for 2 weeks. During that time, we seemed to argue constantly about trivial things. By that I mean if I made a general statement, she would make a critical remark and that would set off an argument. When I was with her, it seemed to me that she would have what I call "severe emotional swings". She would constantly yell at me, I would try to talk to in a calm manner, but it didn't do any good.

Then she visited me in late March/April, we were planning to get married April 3, 1999. But when she was here, she constantly criticized me for not planning the wedding better etc. She would yell and scream at me, saying that I am, and I quote: "Stupid and Pathetic",, she did this for 3 days prior to the wedding, in addition, she would walk out on me from a restaurant because she was mad at me. Then one evening, April 3, she was again yelling and screaming at me, accusing me of being "stupid and pathetic". So I said " I am stupid and pathetic" etc. Then she jumps in the bed and started clawing at my face, which caused a few cuts and bleeding. Then she makes fun of me bleeding. I did not hit her or do anything abusive to her, I tried to stop her from clawing at me. The next day she apologized for yelling at me, but not for clawing at me. To be honest, I was astounded that she did that. So, I called off the wedding. Then she complains to me about cancelling the wedding. The bottom line is that I was afraid to marry her because I did not want to endure that type of abuse for a lifetime.

I did not report that abuse because like most guys, I was afraid to, and I could have had her deported, that is if the police would have believed me.

Can you reccomend books that I could read on women abuse and what should I do about it? We have talked about our problems, but I have not directly confronted her about her abuse towards me that night. Which I know I should.


We will wonder why so many women in today's, American culture think men are idiots and stupid and deserve to be treated poorly. Why is this discussion taking place on the fringes of society and not in the main stream.....how much of it is the fault of men because we allow it to continue unanswered??? Why aren't we standing up and saying enough is enough? We should not complain if we are not willing to go against the crowd and speak out against all domestic violence. In one form we men have become victims of our own silence on this issue.

My, now, ex-wife started showing signs of a violent temper just a few days before we got married. At first they were not aimed directly at me but were kinda scary. I was told by our minister not to marry her (I told him about them), but I thought I could be a good husband and help her through her issues. My first mistake.

About one month after our wedding day, late at night, we had had an argument and she wanted the keys to the car ( it was my car before we were married) to drive around to cool down a while. Not a strange request except the following; she is legally blind (but does wear glasses), she did not know her way around Dallas because we had just moved there and it was close to midnight. I told her she was not taking the car out that late because I had already had to go "find" her twice before because she had gotten lost during the day. So I did not think it was safe for her to be out that late at night in Dallas, upset and driving my car. I had the keys in my hand, she jumped on me and started scratching my face and arms and pulling my hair...all the while screaming at me to get off of HER!! I did not hit her but I did try to defend myself as well as keep the keys from her. After we wrestled for about 10 minutes on the floor I got her off of me and called my parents across town to come and get her...I did not want her in the house with me. Just as my dad and mom came in the front door she threw herself on the floor in the bedroom and started screaming and crying that I had hit her. My dad, like the rest of society, took her side immediately and threw me out of my own home (he's a big man) and started fighting me in the front yard saying he was going to call the police. Oddly enough that night my mom started seeing right through my wife and did not believe her...later of course the truth came out. But I had to live through several more of these violent attacks before people started seeing the truth.

It all came to a climax when my wife, who was expecting our first child at the time, accidentally fell in our basement and bruised her back. I was upstairs in bed when it happened. I immediately took her to the Base hospital terrified that the baby had been hurt too. ( I was in the Air Force at the time ) A complete change came over her as soon as we got inside the Hospital door. She acted terrified of me, like I had beat her up and she faked not being able to speak... blah blah blah. The nurses immedialty separated us and took her into a different part of the hospital and they called the S.P.'s and I was kept in a room for 4 hours, not allowed to leave and not allowed to know how my baby was or my wife was. I was charged with Assault and Domestic Violence and put under investigation with a possible penalty of Court Martial and time in prison. The investigation lasted 3 months and was a complete nightmare. My wife was admitted to the Hospital and "treated" for DV and underwent counseling for the terror I had been putting her through. All a complete fabrication and false. The charges were dropped after 3 months ONLY because she said she did not want to pursue filing any charges and she left me. I filed for divorce within a few weeks.... the visitation of my son is another horror story I guess is reserved for another group of men who have been screwed by the absurd court system of this up-side-down country.

Until we put a stop to the ridiculous idea that "women cannot abuse men" and "men cannot be victims" and stop supporting television programs that show women slapping men and hitting men (it happens on way too many shows) and making it look okay when it does happen, then men will continue to suffer in silence. We will wonder why so many women in today's, American culture think men are idiots and stupid and deserve to be treated poorly. Why is this discussion taking place on the fringes of society and not in the main stream.....how much of it is the fault of men because we allow it to continue unanswered??? Why aren't we standing up and saying enough is enough? We should not complain if we are not willing to go against the crowd and speak out against all domestic violence. In one form we men have become victims of our own silence on this issue.


I was with her for 3 years, in 3 separate tries at a relationship. I actually got out of it completely twice, finding others to be involved with (that reminded me of what a normal relationship should be) but then went back.

She had been both physically and sexually abused by her father; she has at least one scar from when he hit her.

I only came to understand later, about now as I write this, that he dealt with her anger and abuse simply by hitting her. Often when she was angry at me she'd say that if I hit her she'd leave.

Life with her was being put down all the time, nothing I did was ever good enough except when I spent lots of money (at least several thousand) on something for her, and then I was okay for a day or two. We finally got a new kitchen done, costing 40K; she was happy for 48 hours and then began screaming at me because I said there wasn't money to do 7K in landscaping.

Two other anecdotes, becuase they didn't involve me as a target:

We took a couple of kids (related to her) to the circus; and we had fun mostly. On the way back to drop off the kids I stopped for gas. The little girl wanted to clean off the windshield with the squeegee, and did a decent job for a 6 year old, leaving streaks (;-). She got back in the car and said "So, did I do a good job?" very proud of herself. Before I could answer, she (the ex) snapped "you did a lousy job", and the little girl just wilted.

Other: she had trained as a nurse, but works doing office/clerical work because she can't hold a nursing job: she was fired from the Visiting Nurse Association for throwing an ashtray at an elderly patient.

We were supposed to get married very soon, and it became very clear that it wasn't working. She was taking Accutane (a tetragenic drug, it causes severe birth defects), and doing her best to avoid sex. (we were able to have sex 11 times in the entire 3 years.

She was going to leave a couple of times in the past three months, but each time (just as I was totally relieved that she was finally going) she decided to "try to make it work"; and I didn't have the guts to say again to just go. (I did once the second time, and she was going to, but yet again she tried to make it work.

Of course the verbal abuse got worse and worse. All sweetness and light when anyone else was around, and cold rage as soon as we were alone.

In the end she spent many minutes screaming at her, and I slapped her. I've never done anything like that never will, and never would have had the idea at all if she hadn't kept threatening me "if you hit me, I'll leave." But this time I wanted her to leave.

Instantly she was calm, picked up the phone and called 911, to report domestic violence. She even called it that. Not "He hit me", or "I'm scared", but dead calm, "I want to report domestic violence, would you please send a unit."

I'll skip some sorry details about what followed, you know the story; I was arrested, she stole $10,000 from me during the hours I was in custody, told a friend of mine, quote: "I should have killed him when I had the chance."

I'm assigned to a program for "men who batter", and can escape the A&B charge with a dismissal if I can "successfully" complete the program.

I can't recover the money; the judge and DA didn't even care about that; if I sue, she'll use that as means to endless controlling behavior.

Where do I go now? I went to a program at Fenway, and they told me to get lost. Does anyone know of a program to help, and help me survive the "counseling" I'm going to be subjected to?

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

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Domestic Violence in Washington: 25,473 Men a Year
According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. In Washington, that's 42,824 women and 25,473 men. That includes 2,754 on whom a knife was used, 5,508 threatened with a knife and 11,016 hit with an object. Here are the data.

Help for Battered Men Practical suggestions, Hotline numbers, on-line resources. Print it out and hand it to a man you think may be battered--your caring opens him up to talking about it.

What's Wrong with the Duluth Model? The "Duluth Model" is the approach most widely used for perpetrator treatment--but it gender polarizes the "people problem" of domestic violence.. What's wrong with the Duluth Model? It blames and shames men. It's based on ideology, not science. It ignores drinking, drugs and pathology. Only one cause, only one solution. There's no real evidence it works. It ignores domestic violence by women. Women who need help can't get it. It's taught by wounded healers.

Latest Research Findings National Violence Against Women survey shows 37.5% of victims each year are men. Men are at real risk of serious physical injury. Murray A. Straus looks at controversies in DV research. Martin Fiebert examines reasons women give for assaulting men. JAMA emergency room study shows equal number of men, woman victims.

 
     

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