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Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Battered Men's Stories

Men's Personal Stories

(continued)

Copyright © 1998-2001 by Bert H. Hoff in trust for the anonymous contributors

 

Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for battered men.


I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me ... She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me ...

I was in a 5 year long relationship, where everything was not picture perfect. We ( my girlfriend and I ) had our good and bad times. Over the year she became abusive. I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings ( it was a big mistake.)

The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me with a hair brush, which caused severe bleeding and missed my eye by half of an inch. The cut was so deep that it required 3 stitches. She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me because the justice system is pro-women and biased against men. I NEVER STRUCK BACK, because I held on to my mother's teachings.

AS A MAN IíM AFRAID OF THE JUSTICE SYSTEM BECAUSE THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR MAN.

The year is 1997, the day before 4th of July. She called me and told me that she was not feeling well and she does not want me to go to work . When I arrived at her apartment around 7:00 AM to see her, she looked perfectly OK but stressed. I refused to stay but she took the drivers license from my wallet and was hiding it, I went to work anyway. After work when I came back to pick up my license, she was asking me to help her with apartment rent. ( occasionally I have helped her with her rent. she can not keep a job for very long.). I refused but she threatened to call 911 and report to the authority that I have physically abused her, which does not have a drop of truth in it.

I tried to get away from her but she blocked the door way but I got away by pushing her aside but she held on to my belt and I was screaming for help out side of the apartment in the parking lot and asked one of my neighbor to call 911. In the mean time she was standing by my car and screaming that she would scratch my car. Finally the police arrived and I explained the situation than they talked to her.

After about a month after the incident I have received a citation from the police department for assault. I went to the court and pleaded not guilty in the pre-trial. I called my girl friend and talked to her about the citation and she agreed that the assault never took place and decided to drop the charges. We went to the counselors office ( formal procedure before dropping a domestic abuse charge ) and the counselor ( female police officer ) did not and would not talk to me but she talked to girl friend behind the close doors. My girl friend told her I did not hit or attempted to hit her at any occasions but the so called counselor refused to drop the charges because according to the police report I choked and hit her. But none of the allegation ever took place. Now Iím waiting for the trial.

Where is my rights as a human being against false allegation brought against me by my girl friend to the police ( the night of the incident in the parking lot )? Iíve asked my neighbor to call the police to help me and the police knew my neighbor dialed 911 for me. Why did the police issue citation against me, knowing the fact that I needed help.


her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. ... However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.

A Boston man who started an on-line newsgroup for battered men says:

So why did I start this group? Partly as an exercise in healing for myself; partly to give other men who've been battered a place to come.

I've been married twice, both times to abusive women. My first wife was physically violent: her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. Since I had been raised to believe that a real man never strikes a woman, this left me at a distinct disadvantage. However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.

My current wife has never been physically abusive...but she's been emotionally, socially, spiritually, and sexually abusive since (I realize now) before we were married. I finally escaped from her, and am now just waiting out the time until I can file for divorce. Meanwhile, I'm going through counseling with the local victims of violence program, and am trying to set up a battered husbands' support group in the Boston area.


She screamed:

"I have never forgiven you for the way you looked at me the first time I hit you."

"How did I look?" I asked.

"You looked hurt and shocked and angry and disgusted."

"How should I have looked after you hit me?" I asked.

"I needed for you to understand how I was feeling at that time. I needed your support, not your anger," she said.

I understood then why she had never apologised for that act of violence or for any of her many other violent assaults.

I will never forget the intensity and range of emotions I experienced the last time that I hit a woman.

I know now, as I knew then, that it doesn't matter:
That she had attacked me first, verbally and emotionally;
That she was the first to begin shouting and intimidating;
That she was much bigger and much stronger that I;
That she she hit me first; or,
That I only hit her once, with an open hand rather than with a clenched fist, and that my blow probably struck her on the arm though she had hit me in the face with great force.

I remember immediately feeling intense shame for what I had done. And I remember feeling very anxious. I loved that woman very much and I was dependent on her love and care. I remember the terrifying dread that went with the thought that she would withdraw her love completely because of what I had done, that she might even abandon me because of my violence.

I remember the shocked look on her face. It was the first time I had hit her in spite of her many provocations during previous arguments, and in spite of her other acts of violence toward me.

I was only seven years old at the time and I had struck my mother.

My father made it clear that I would have to apologise to my mother for hitting her. I already knew that, but I wanted to know if she would have to apologise to me for hitting me.

He explained that the world requires men only to be responsible and accountable for their thoughts, their feelings and their actions. Women, he suggested, are always permitted to blame others for what they think and feel and do. My mother, he explained, would maintain her belief that I had "made her hit me first" and would insist that I needed to change so that "she wouldn't have to yell at me or hit me ever again."

During my apology to my mother, as my father had predicted, she demanded that I acknowledge that I had caused her to hit me, that her violence was my fault. My father had advised me not to argue that point even though, objectively speaking, it is not true.

Knowing that I had not been responsible for her violence and that, except in very special circumstances, I could not be responsible for any future acts of violence she might commit against me, it was acceptable for me to promise that:

"I will never again do anything which will cause you to hit me."

My mother seemed to infer that this promise contained some acknowledgement that I felt responsible for what had already occurred and, after telling me how much I had disappointed her, and after telling me what a "bad little boy" I had been, she allowed that I might one day again earn her respect and her trust.

In spite of lessons learned early in my life, I still managed to marry a woman who during our ten years together was frequently violent, both emotionally and physically. I never responded to her violence by becoming violent myself. As I stated near the beginning of this, I have not hit a woman since I was 7 years old.

When I finally accepted that my partner was not going to acknowledge that her violence was a problem, and that she was not going to make any efforts to change, I left the marriage.

During the "sorting out" process over the next several months, we disagreed about something and she flew into a rage. She made a comment which helped me to finalise the distancing process. She screamed:

"I have never forgiven you for the way you looked at me the first time I hit you."

"How did I look?" I asked.

"You looked hurt and shocked and angry and disgusted."

"How should I have looked after you hit me?" I asked.

"I needed for you to understand how I was feeling at that time. I needed your support, not your anger," she said.

I understood then why she had never apologised for that act of violence or for any of her many other violent assaults.

She never knew that she had a problem. No one could tell her that she had a problem. No one could help her with a problem she does not know about and cannot be told about.

We hear that men are most often the perpetrators of violence, so there are very few programmes for women who act out violently, and very little acknowledgement of the extent or women's violence.

I didn't go looking for the evidence until I started trying to come to terms with my own experiences. I was aware of all the propaganda about male violence. Like many males who have been in relationships with violence prone women, I thought I was an exception to the rule. Like most males who experience women's violence, I did not report her behaviour to anyone, officially or unofficially.

The vast majority of women's violence toward men is not reported, except to researchers who ask in an environment which protects men and women from any immediate consequences resulting from their violence. In those situations both men and women admit the extent to which women perpetrate violence in relationships.

Results from research projects of this type need to be acknowledged in any programme aiming to teach adolescent males about violence. Many of those males also will want to learn how their mothers can be helped to become less violent.

Adam Mitchell


She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230 so I'm not petite by any stretch of the imagination.

She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment becauseI had not come home on time or I had eaten something that she wanted. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me....she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference.

I have since learned it is better to cut bait and move on. She has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." For some reason, I just don't trust this outpouring of emotion. The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.

I appreciate this website and the fact that there are those who have decided this taboo subject is no longer to be kept in the dark. I was one of the men in these stories and at 43 I'm still struggling with the impact of living with a very abusive woman.

My self esteem was in the gutter when I married at 21. Looking for someone who would love me, I was willing to accept the attention of any woman who showed interest in me. Jean (not her real name) and I met when working together at a church camp. She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230 so I'm not petite by any stretch of the imagination. Our relationship moved fast and we were "in love" by the time we both went off to college. She to the south...me to the north. We married 3 years after meeting and I had transferred to her school. That was when the relationship started down the path that it would take for another 19 Ĺ years. We fought about a lot of things right from the start. I was afraid of her anger and the threats she would make about what her family thought of me. She started out by telling me my parents were idiots and "bumpkins" from the country while her family was the sophisticated lot with money and the ability to manage in the world. She made fun of my body...my hair..my breathing...my laugh. She started telling me that I would never make it without her. Why these derogatory statements worked was because I believed her. Depression that had not been treated and life in a chemically dependent and abusive home had worked its spell on me. She could tell me anything and I accepted it. There was a kernel of health in me that fought to take in air as I was drowning under the hatefulness of her behavior.

I do not remember the first time she hit me. Actually, she spit on me first. She started grabbing my hair and pulling it out by the handful. The pain was unbelievable, but the terror I experienced was more powerful than fighting back. So day after day..week after week..until it was years went buy. I loved her. I said I loved her. I tried to believe I loved her. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment becauseI had not come home on time or I had eaten something that she wanted. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me. I stopped eating at home and would eat what I could get for a few cents in the school cafeteria. I would find money lying around and use that to buy a sandwich. I looked forward to trips home to family so I could eat and maybe even sleep. I tried to approach her sexually, but it wasn't right the way I kissed...the way I touched her. She complained that my nose smeared her glasses...she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference.

One night I had the courage to simply tell a friend that she hit me at times. He wanted me to leave. He had married shortly after we and invited me to live with them. I could not do it. I was too afraid of her. Still, there is a wave of fear that hits though we have been divorced for 4 years. The secret of her behavior continued when I went to graduate school. I was going to theological seminary in a metropolitan area. Certainly, I reasoned, this would be better. It was not.

We would drive down the freeway and I would be grabbed by the hair and have my head pounded into the window. The insanity of this was that she would scream, "don't you dare have an accident" as she did this. The reason for the fight? I cannot remember. I disagreed. I disputed. I had no rights so I should be silent. Still she would return to her parents and tell them how incompetent I was. So I joined in. I agreed so I could survive. I was an idiot. I was nothing without her. My parents were fools. Her parents were the only ones worthy of attention. Finally, my parents stopped asking questions. They did not have to. In the year between marriage and graduate school, I had lost 55 pounds. My grandmother cried when she saw me, thinking I had cancer. Jean did not seem to mind or care.

For some reason the violence became less physically aggressive, but still were abusive in nature. Returning home from friends house when she was driving, she stopped the car and told me to get out and walk home in the pouring rain. I did. I had stopped at a bakery once to get a donut when she walked in. When we walked out together she grabbed the baked goods I had bought, squished them into a mass and threw them on the ground. She didn't want me buying anything like that...though she could. The stories could go on all that emphasize the same thing. I was nothing and she was in control.

As the years when by I started to get affirmation that began to break free of the bullshit I had been swallowing for years. Anger started to surface that gave me the courage to say no to her and the beating stopped. The verbal abuse did not and continues today if she is given an opportunity. I was successful as a pastor and rewarded accordingly, but I was miserable. The turning point came as I drove to work one morning and thought it would be better to simply drive my car into an abutment.

I had to realize how depressed I was and why. I was in an abusive marriage. One that I had tried very hard to support and heal but it was not mine to do. Also, I had to realize I was gay. Some have said this is the reason that Jean beat and threatened me. But she had no idea of it till I came out to her 18 years after we were married. I had been faithful to her the entire time. I wonder how some can rationalize the level of violence I experienced because of this. Somehow it was ok that she beat me because I was gay. I asked one person, "If that reasoning works, then why didn't I beat her because she was straight?" No response.

My two children also deserved a home that was not filled with conflict. I deserved a life that was fulfilling. So....I left. I changed careers. I came out. I left the marriage. My children and I are close. I am out to them and they have not ill feelings toward me, though it has created many questions in their mind. Not unexpected. Jean is in therapy but her self destructive and angry behavior continues. She still blames me for all her problems. She blames her parents now..no longer her allie since she has a broken marriage. She blames the children for being children and being demanding.

I have learned the value of freedom in all of this. At this writing I'm in a terrific relationship with a man who is very healthy and happy and loves me without any kind of remodeling necessary. I have tried to maintain a friendship with Jean. I have since learned it is better to cut bait and move on. She has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." For some reason, I just don't trust this outpouring of emotion. The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.

I'm ok with you using this e mail address: DeSong55@Hotmail.com My name is David and I'd be happy to be of help if anyone wants to correspond.


... and the batterer gets custody ... 2 snippets

I am reminded of [a man] here in Sacrtamento whose ex-wife was convicted of DV one week and the very next week family court gave her 85% physical custody of his children. It is bad enough when the abuser gets any custody, but when she or he gets a greater percentage of the custody it shows that the courts are empowering the abuser. Even if the DV perpetrator doesn't physically abuse the children directly they nevertheless expose the children to domestic abuse which is child abuse. Perpetrators need to understand this and also realize that parenting is a privilege not a right.

My story is similar. My ex-wife pled guilty to battery, then was awarded sole custody of our three daughters by the divorce court judge.

One of her 'episodes' involved chasing me through the house with a kitchen knife. Three years later, one of my daughters threatened her sister with a knife (while at their mother's house). Children do learn and internalize what they see.


... I had to leave the house then she would go completely nuts and wrestle me to the ground not letting me out of the house. I would finally have to throw her off of me and run for the door then she would follow me out and do it all over again until I would finally out run her. This scene happened more times than I can count in the past 4 years I never felt I was abused just very confused until now when I just read the section borderline personality disorder on your web site and it describes her perfectly. Every night when I would come home from work it was a complete gamble on which woman I was coming home to and then it would change at the drop of a hat.

I am 35, male, married for 7 years and last Oct. she left me with the kids and all the money stating that I beat her every day, which is not true. I have all the medical records and police reports and 2 doctors that are going to testify that no abuse ever occurred.

Now for the rest of the story. Ever since I met her her entire family used to tell these horrendous stories of fights and abuse that occurred and I blew them off thinking people change. as our relationship grew I began noticing the control her mother had over her any thing her mother wanted she got. and I eventually broke that control and it was the happiest 2 years we ever had but then I don't know somehow she regained the control of her daughter and things rapidly went down hill.

I couldn't make any kind of comment without it being taken the wrong way and her blowing up then her mother would do something and it would be a month before she calmed down and only after she started a verbal fight with me and wouldn't let up until I was so mad I had to leave the house then she would go completely nuts and wrestle me to the ground not letting me out of the house. I would finally have to throw her off of me and run for the door then she would follow me out and do it all over again until I would finally out run her ( and this is what she calls me abusing her). This scene happened more times than I can count in the past 4 years. I never felt I was abused just very confused until now when I just read the section borderline personality disorder on your web site and it describes her perfectly. Every night when I would come home from work it was a complete gamble on which woman I was coming home to and then it would change at the drop of a hat.

Now I have 2 young girls 5 and 3 living with this woman in her parents house where real abuse did and is occurring (according to my girls stories) I did manage to get the court to order a full physiological testing for both of us but is there any thing I can do or say to help the counselor see through her perfect little picture she paints for the rest of the world.

I could go into a lot more detail but I think you get the picture if you have any more questions or advice feel free to email me back I would appreciate it.

Brian R Heck


I am a law enforcement officer as well as a chaplain for an agency in Oklahoma. I have constantly encountered men who have or are the victims of domestic violence. When trying to aquire assistance for these men I have encountered unbelievable opposition from organizations and agencies who I thought were there to help. It's as if people would rather the problem disappear rather than to face the facts. Please keep me informed of any legislation nationally or locally that will inform an assist me in my efforts.

I have been called a "fucking jerkoff, a loser, fuckface, fucking foureyes," etc I have been hit with aluminum canister pipes, stabbed with forks, scissors, an afro pick, and pencil, various objects thrown causing cuts etc. to include large toy police cars, remote controls, bottles, 2 lb hard plastic tunnels, all of course at my face, and I have been kicked, kneed in the groin, scratched, slapped, and punched. She placed a butcher knife on my face threatening me, and threw a cup at my barefeet fracturing my big toe. ... What has this taught my son? He emulates some of the actions he saw. ... When I stated there was a restraining order people would ask "against you?" ... The GAL gave her sole legal and physical custody ...

I have been the victim of domestic violence from approx. 1992-1997. My son was born in February of 1993. He grew up watching the abuse, both verbal and physical by my wife. When the movie Men Don't Tell came on for the second time in 12 months she watched part of it with me and I told her that many parts of it reminded me of her, she yelled "fuck you!" a standard reply while our son was around or if it was just her and I. The Jekyll and Hyde aspect of our relationship, the extreme jealousy, abuse of me and the child(ren), and public displays of rage. All of these I endured like the character in the movie.

I could go on for hours and I have a 20 page affidavit based on contemporaneous notes, and I have other evidence to include police reports, pictures taken by the police, court documents where she admits to sufficient facts on a total of five counts of assault and assault with a deadly weapon. She had four restraining orders imposed.

By the way she has custody of our son, as do more than 95 percent of the women who ask for it in Massachusetts. I do not have a criminal record, nor any restraining orders. Her attorney attempted to file a bogus criminal complaint which was dismissed, and another which was also a total fabrication.. I have a large amount of evidence to support this, including the Guardian Ad Litem report which stated she was the only one who was violent. The violence the report said was periodic and was "from an accumulation of frustration" with me. this is how he attempted to mitigate his findings. Furthermore, on one occasion when the police arrested her he stated that it was a minor incident. Although he had pictures of the bruise marks on my shoulder and back, a picture of the fork mark, and picture of where she attempted to jab me with a broken plate while I held our son. She never was told to attend a batterer's program. Men are told to if they merely shove back or speak harshly in Massachusetts.

I have been called a "fucking jerkoff, a loser, fuckface, fucking foureyes," etc I have been hit with aluminum canister pipes, stabbed with forks, scissors, an afro pick, and pencil, various objects thrown causing cuts etc. to include large toy police cars, remote controls, bottles, 2 lb hard plastic tunnels, all of course at my face, and I have been kicked, kneed in the groin, scratched, slapped, and punched. She placed a butcher knife on my face threatening me, and threw a cup at my barefeet fracturing my big toe. She would slap my glasses off my face, and wave objects at my face. (I have face to face contact with clients)

What has this taught my son? He emulates some of the actions he saw. A year and half after he saw a particularly bad incident involving stabbing me repeatedly with a fork, he did the same with boys at the daycare. The GAL never interviewed this day care.

My son had bruises on his face, that he stated to the pediatrician and the police were from her wrenching his face. The pedi said the bruises couldn't have come from anything else other than what my son described and filed a report against her. THe DSS said it didn't rise to a high enough level to justify intervention.

When I stated there was a restraining order people would ask "against you?"

I have kept an extensive diary and would like to write a book about it. It is very sickening and all consuming for me. The GAL gave her sole legal and physical custody, despite the above findings and the statement by my son that she says "fuck". Where is justice?

You can use this but do not use my name or e mail address, you can correspond with me via e mail if you want more details and I can be sure that this will be used in a positive way.


I asked my attorney what my liability was if I pleaded innocent and lost. He informed me that many judges throw the book at defendants who plead innocent. I asked what the book was and he told me a year in jail. I opted for the intervention program. Three of the men out of the five in my group claim to be victims of female physical violence before their arrest.

I am married to a woman from a South American country. Last fall we moved to be closer to my wife's family. After the move, when I was isolated from friends and family my wife became abusive. She started arguments several times a week, sometimes before I got out of bed in the mornings. Her communication tactics were to interrupt me and talk in a loud voice refusing to allow me any opportunity to talk. She threatened to poison my food with mushrooms from the front yard. One morning I was laying on the bed in my underwear and she told me that she could take a sharp little knife and cut tiny slivers of skin from my body. Under the pretense of play she began hitting me or slapping me as hard as she could.

One afternoon I came home from work and was watching television with my 16 year old daughter. First, my wife started a verbal fight with me. When I attempted to leave to the guest room she followed me and told me I could not sleep there. I told her that I was "not going to do this anymore," meaning I was going to leave the marriage. I returned to the living room sofa and resumed watching the movie with my daughter, who had recently come to live with us. My wife sat between us, lit up a cigarette and began blowing huge clouds of smoke in both of our faces. She had not smoked in the house for over a year. I had been diagnosed with a severe allergy to second hand smoke and my daughter had been sick with the flu for three days. I told her that I didn't care about the smoke.

She then made a threatening gesture to burn me and I knocked the cigarette away with the back of my hand. She immediately got up and called 911. When the operator answered the first thing my wife said was, "My husband is beating me. " I was so stunned I did not hear the rest of the conversation. My wife handed the telephone to me and the dispatcher asked me if I wanted a police officer sent to the home. Thinking that things were out of control I said "Yes, it might be a good idea." The dispatcher's report stated that everyone was calm. In retrospect it was a terrible idea. I was outside when the police officer arrived. He walked past me into the house. Five minutes later he returned and placed me under arrest. He refused to talk to my daughter who was sitting right next to my wife during the entire incident. He made the statement that if things were reversed he would be transporting my wife to jail. I replied, "Yeah, right! Sure you would." (I was already under arrest and in handcuffs, what the hell.)

He said, "No really!"

I asked my daughter, who was standing nearby, "What did you see happen in there?" Before she could answer the officer turned on her and said, "Anything you say can be used against you and you could go to jail!" After I was taken away by another officer this officer attempted to enter my daughter's locked bedroom without knocking. It was 10:30 PM. He told her I had done a very bad thing. She told him that she was right there and had seen everything and that I had not touched my wife. She told him that she had only lived there for ten days, and asked him what she was supposed to do since he had taken away her only protection and was leaving her alone with a violent, crazy woman. He told my daughter there was nothing he could do since she was a minor.

The next morning my wife got so close into my daughter's face that my daughter said their noses were touching. My daughter said my wife was breathing in her face while chanting, do you like my cigaret breath? She told her that she was not going to shelter her of feed her.

After I was released from jail I took my daughter to the local domestic violence shelter. The administrator called my wife and told her that she was required to feed and shelter my daughter. However, a counselor was listening from the doorway. She called us into her office and told my daughter that she didn't feel the home was safe for her to return to. She offered to lodge us both in the shelter. My recent move had not only depleted my finances but maxed out our credit cards. I was destitute and had a no contact order against me. I felt that this was an extra-ordinary gesture by the center (and a bizarre turn of events.) I had been arrested and charged with domestic battery and the very same day I was released I was offered lodging in a domestic violence shelter. We refused. I sold the vehicle that I had given my daughter for her birthday to a car lot for a third of what it was worth. We were on our way across the country to our old home. We walked away from almost all of our personal possessions.

I asked my attorney what my liability was if I pleaded innocent and lost. He informed me that many judges throw the book at defendants who plead innocent. I asked what the book was and he told me a year in jail. I opted for the intervention program. Three of the men out of the five in my group claim to be victims of female physical violence before their arrest.

Footnote: There is a provision in the federal immigration act that alien victims of domestic violence do not have to meet the residency requirements of the immigration service in order to obtain permanent residence status. I believe that my wife's actions were premeditated in order to obtain a permanent status visa. She had been here legally on a tourist visa when we were married. We had recently applied for a permanent status visa and she had surrendered her tourist visa. Then I told her I was leaving the destructive relationship. She was losing her sponsor for a permanent home in the land of the free.

I am a middle aged Phi Theta Kappa psychology student at a university. My term paper for the class Sexual Child Abuse was on the subject of domestic violence. I was also a Court Appointed Children's Advocate for children of abuse... before this incident.


There is little point in making your story public because nobody believes you and no one really cares.

Left a 14 year marriage 60 days ago. At a later time, I will be glad to convey some detailed experiences. I am of the opinion that many more men are in this situation that let on, however, the social service system is dominated by women (i.e. courts, schools, child therapists) so as a man you learn quickly that you are badly outnumbered and just move on with the rest of your life. There is little point in making your story public because nobody believes you and no one really cares.

The main reason that I think men stay in these relationships is that they are devoted fathers that love their kids. They tolerate the abuse because they know that once you step out into the system you are going from being an involved Dad who could protect his kids from the "pyscho" at home to a part time member of a reorganized family. The only problem with this is that once the verbal abuser sees that you are trapped they begin to thrive on having that level of control and it becomes an addiction. They love having that power. In my wifes case, I cannot tell you the number of times I heard, you will not control me, before the abusive behavior started.


My wife has slapped me, thrown things at me, and has verbally abused me. All of this in front of our four children. ... All of this has hurt me very bad. I feel crushed, humiliated, belittled. I'm not alllowed to have friends, talk to anyone, etc. I'm confused, don't know where to turn, feel very lonely, I feel very very hurt, unloved, etc. It's not like I can just up and go to counseling, etc. It seems everything I do has to be in private. Just like this letter I'm writing to you.

I want to keep my name anonymous. The reason is, I confided in a Christian group and requested prayer regarding my marriage of over a decade. And yes ... I'm speaking of being abused by my wife. Well, to no avail, I received a response from the prayer group along with the original email I sent. My wife read the letter. And, take it from there...

I'm afraid to open up to anyone, also I'm really afraid to write to you. My wife has slapped me, thrown things at me, and has verbally abused me. All of this in front of our four children. I have even undergone several painful abdominal-area operations since our marriage, and have been verbally abused regarding the surgeries. Several of my organs are damaged. It's been awful. She was never at the hospital during the majority of my surgeries. Whenever I start having pains from my oprgans, she tells me to quit being a whimp, a baby, just grow up, women can take more pain than you. Just have a baby, see what pain really feels like.

All of this has hurt me very bad. I feel crushed, humiliated, belittled. I'm not alllowed to have friends, talk to anyone, etc. But yet she can.

She doesn't believe in counseling. She becomes hostile when I even mention that I need counseling. I feel trapped and afraid. Just this past weekend, she went into another outrage, took three of the four children we have. Left Daniel, our 12 y/o son with me. My 7 y/o son, Ethan, wanted to stay with me. But she took him against his will.

I'm confused, don't know where to turn, feel very lonely, I feel very very hurt, unloved, etc. It's not like I can just up and go to counseling, etc. It seems everything I do has to be in private. Just like this letter I'm writing to you.

Is there something really wrong with me???? My family physician is aware if the situation, and so is our pastor and other people. I only need someone to talk with, to listen, to care, and who can offer help.

I'm really afraid to even send this note to you. I could not face another day knowing that she even had a clue that I've written this email. I was happy that I came across your webpage. And yes, women are not the only ones who are battered and abused.

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Your Friend
anonymous

p.s. There is much more to tell, but it really hurts to talk about it now. I do want to say this much, just one day after coming out of surgery, she called me at the hospital, and totally cussed me out. She said I had no concern for her at all, because I was in the hospital having surgery, and that was just a tactic to get symphothy. That is not true or the case at all. I had to have 3/4's of my stomach removed. Things like this are very hard to forget. I just feel totally lost.

And, please, please, please, I am not giving my real name. I don't want my wife knowing that I wrote this email. I do hope you understand, I'm very afraid.


We were married less than a year when my wife attacked me with a kitchen knife, then hit me in the head with the telephone I had used to call 911. I was bleeding from the head, and very frightened, when two police officers arrived and took the two of us out in the driveway. The small cop took her to one side and the big cop took me to the other. The big cop said, "you can file charges against her but YOU will have to come down tomorrow and bail her out, and YOU will ultimately have to bear her legal expenses." He laughed then and said, "You're bigger than she is. You ought to be able to keep this under control."

That set the tone for a 13 year marriage in which I, and my older son, were repeatedly attacked - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. Both of my sons are now in their mother's legal custody, following a very nasty divorce in which character assassination (en lieu of sane discussion of parental viability) was the tool of the courts and my wife's attorneys, even though their mother has been investigated repeatedly by state officials for attacks on her own children and the children of others.

I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get the courts to let me live where this woman cannot find me. I am required to report address and phone number. She is not.

I live in fear that she will harm me further, or that she will perpetrate further violence on my children. My friends, a counselor, and my hopefully-future-wife say they are stunned at the effects of the trauma I have experienced.

I desperately need help and have little money or resources. I want my two sons. I am heartbroken to see what is happening to them - failing grades in school, starting to use drugs/alcohol, promiscuous, and running away from home. They will not survive.

And I am literally overwhelmed that no one, outside of a very small group of "activist men", in society seems willing to give the same rights, consideration and protections to me as are given to women victims of violence or rape.

Please do not publish my name or email address.

When my life is restored to some further semblance of sanity, if that ever happens, I plan to try and write a book about what has happened to me and my two sons.


When I was married I was punched, kicked and slapped numerous times by my wife! I am 6 foot 2 and weigh 280 lbs. I never hit her! My marriage began to disintegrate and after intense abuse I grabbed my wife by the neck spontaneously and I let go almost immediately but my wife called the police. I was arrested but the police did not care what she did to me all they cared about was her story, not mine! Well we divorced and she used that incident in an effort to keep me from my daughter.


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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

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Other Resources

Domestic Violence in Washington: 25,473 Men a Year
According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. In Washington, that's 42,824 women and 25,473 men. That includes 2,754 on whom a knife was used, 5,508 threatened with a knife and 11,016 hit with an object. Here are the data.

Help for Battered Men Practical suggestions, Hotline numbers, on-line resources. Print it out and hand it to a man you think may be battered--your caring opens him up to talking about it.

What's Wrong with the Duluth Model? The "Duluth Model" is the approach most widely used for perpetrator treatment--but it gender polarizes the "people problem" of domestic violence.. What's wrong with the Duluth Model? It blames and shames men. It's based on ideology, not science. It ignores drinking, drugs and pathology. Only one cause, only one solution. There's no real evidence it works. It ignores domestic violence by women. Women who need help can't get it. It's taught by wounded healers.

Latest Research Findings National Violence Against Women survey shows 37.5% of victims each year are men. Men are at real risk of serious physical injury. Murray A. Straus looks at controversies in DV research. Martin Fiebert examines reasons women give for assaulting men. JAMA emergency room study shows equal number of men, woman victims.

 
     

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